How to Make Different Sex Drives Work

This is the series where we answer your questions about sex and relationships based on our experiences, which have been unique and varied, to say the least. Today’s question comes from a follower on Instagram.

Her question is regarding herself and her new boyfriend of about 5 months: They have very different sex drives, especially regarding frequency. She prefers to have sex every day, and her boyfriend doesn’t. She’s also struggling because her boyfriend doesn’t always climax, and when he does – it takes 40+ minutes for him to cum sometimes, which isn’t super cool for her.

-Kate 💖

 Chris:

We went through something very similar in our own relationship. I’ll start by telling you, that from my experience, the worst thing you can do is to make this about how much he wants sex, and how he doesn’t want sex enough for you. This is what I did with Kate, and it wasn’t in our best interest. What did work for us was to focus on putting as many turn-ons in place that made Kate hornier for me, and removing the blockers that are turn-offs. This meant being a good husband, taking her on a date, waking her up with lots of kisses and love, and if I wanted to have intimate time with her, it meant cleaning the house and being sexy and making sure all of the blockers are out of the way.

Kate:

It also means accepting that you are different, and that you do have different sex drives. Everybody has their own blockers or things that affect them, but it’s not a big deal to have a different sex drive, you just have to work through that together.

Chris:

It’s TOTALLY a big deal, it’s just really normal. Kate, what about from your position because you used to take 40 minutes to cum, you do not cum all the time, sometimes we give up, sometimes it’s not worth trying. What can you say from that perspective?

Kate:

Chris is really patient with me and really good about that. I take ownership of my experience and what I want, and I did used to feel frustrated in the beginning of our relationship that I was taking too long for Chris, or wasn’t doing something well enough for Chris. I thought I was “supposed” to be different than I was based on what I saw around me in society, in porn, and everywhere I looked. Through Chris being patient with me, and teaching me to be comfortable, I was able to focus on the experience. For me, it’s all about the experience. I enjoy giving Chris pleasure and I don’t always need to climax all the way or orgasm all the way. Sometimes I just want to give something, and when I do want a turn I ask for that or take initiative. It’s so important that Chris believes me when I tell him those things.

Chris:

That was something I needed to learn, I need to trust Kate and listen to Kate, and believe her when she says she doesn’t need something in order to enjoy herself or doesn’t need to finish today. I need to ask her, I need to ask for it, and we need to trust one-another.

Oh, oh, one more solution that I think is specific to us (but maybe helpful to you) – I’m horny all the time. Sometimes I need to cum the instant I wake up and sometimes I need to right before bed, even if we just had sex like 15 minutes earlier. We realized that Kate likes snuggling with me and she lays her head on my chest and her hand on my balls, and gently strokes them while I masturbate. This could be role reversed so he can play with your boobs or nipples or smelling your hair and playing with your labia or belly while you cum again with your vibrator? Many guys would want to do that or would be open to you asking.

Having the trust and communication in place to create a system that works for you has the effect of relieving pressure, allowing the horny partner to feel completely satisfied in orgasming as many times as needed, while the other partner can feel satisfied and secure in having a part in that without feeling like a sex slave (in the bad way).

For us, removing this pressure, and communicating and trusting led us to a place where we wanted to have sex every day. This never could have happened naturally when I was trying to force myself on Kate on a daily basis, and communicating disappointment on a daily basis. Through trust and communication this is a difference you can overcome.