How to Ask Your Partner to Try New Things in Bed

It can feel intimidating to ask your partner to try new things in bed. Whether it’s a new position, prostate massage, anal play, having a 3-way, swinging, or simply bringing some new toys into the bedroom, your chances of success depend on how and when you approach this sensitive topic! If you want to to spice up your sex life with the highest chance of success possible, read this for tips on communicating what you want! We can’t wait to hear your success stories 🙂

Keep it Light & Be Curious

When something is really important to me, I have a tendency to mess it all up by making it sound really important. This puts a lot of pressure on Kate, and makes her feel like she can’t say no, “or else.” She has said it makes her feel a sense of urgency. I find the most success when I am curious and open to learning about my partner and our relationship. 

Remember, this is fun and all about learning about your partner. Whether they say “yes” or “no,” don’t push it! Act like it isn’t a big deal either way and move on. If their answer was yes,  then work on a way to try it sometime, and focus on ensuring they have an amazing experience. If they say no, move on to the next subject.  Bring it up in another way at a different time.  Bringing negativity or urgency to the subject will make it harder to approach in the future.

Bigger Subjects

Things that feel important are can be scary to discuss, but as long as you approach the subject with curiosity and an (almost) complete indifference to the outcome, your risk will be small and the door will remain open to try again in the future, no matter the answer. The bigger the subject, the more important it is that you approach it with curiosity, an open-mind, and the primary goal of learning about your partner’s stance on the particular subject. If this feels darn near impossible, consider the final section at the bottom of the page.

4 Tips on Asking for New Things in Bed

Watch Porn Together 

This one only works if you’re both comfortable with porn, so skip ahead if that isn’t the case. This happens to be one of my favorite strategies for introducing new ideas, watching porn together. Remember to start slowwwwwly, meaning that if you want to introduce some hardcore BDSM – don’t start with a hardcore BDSM video. An easy place to start would be a video where one partner lovingly ties their necktie around their partner’s wrists and has some fun with them. After watching, curiously ask your partner what they thought that video, and gauge their response. Don’t push it or make a big deal of their answer!

Need some inspiration? Check out our OnlyFans for a real, never staged depiction of what trying anal or bondage looks like. Alternatively, Lustery  and Cheex have tons of videos of from real, healthy couples who have authentic sex on camera. 

Sex Toy Shopping

Another fun method is to walk through a sex toy store together and see what catches your eye. Again, you’re not trying to convince your partner of something, just learning about them and their preferences. If you’re both really into a certain toy, take it home and give it a try! If your partner isn’t into your ideas, stay positive and don’t make a big deal. You can always approach it later. Besides, they might be into some other things in the store that you had never thought about, take care to learn about them!

Talk

 Find a time when you’re both happy and stress levels are extremely low. Avoid bringing this up when you’re being romantic or sexual, but find a time when nothing sexual is happening and you’re both in a great mood. I like to do this on a nice walk with Kate. It can be helpful to soften this by mentioning an indirect event, like celebrity news or a magazine article that mentions the thing you want to talk about it without any pressure on your partner. Find out their reaction and move on to the next topic. Example: “I was standing in line at the checkout the other day, and ______ magazine had an article about prostate massage. Apparently it’s really popular. Have you heard of that?” Just keep it light, and remember that you’re doing DISCOVERY – not trying to convince your partner of anything.

If they ask you directly “do you want this?” you should not lie or act like it’s a big deal. Something nonchalant like “it was interesting, really surprised me how mainstream it’s becoming. Hey, how was lunch with your friend?” and then move on to the next topic. Again, you can always bring it up another time UNLESS you create a problem around the subject. 

Just try it and start small

If you’re confident and comfortable with yourself and your partner, this can be a really good strategy. For example, if you want to introduce handcuffs and blindfolds to the bedroom, make sure your partner is super turned on and then confidently and nonchalantly tie a necktie around their wrists or over their eyes. Be sure to have practiced this beforehand so you can do it without awkwardness. Make sure they have an AMAZING time. If they ask what you’re doing, just shrug and say with a smile “I’ve always wanted to try this.” After sex, ask them about it by saying “I’ve always wanted try that, what did you think?” If they loved it, keep doing it when you have incredible sex. They will attach the item to the incredible sex, and you can eventually “upgrade” to the real thing, be it fuzzy handcuffs or a blindfold. Again, if they’re not into it, just throw it aside and move on like nothing happened. Don’t make a big deal of it, you can always approach it from another angle in the future. 

“Spicing Things Up” is Not Always The Answer

As I write this, I’m reflecting on my different motivations for 3-ways and swinging over the course of our relationship. When my desire for new partners came from a true place of happiness, excitement, and sharing an experience, it was fulfilling for Kate and I. When the desire came from a place of urgency, loneliness, or feeling unfulfilled, it only served as a distraction from the thing I actually needed and we didn’t connect any better with the new person/couple than we were connecting in our own relationship. If you’re feeling desperate for your partner to react in a certain way, or feel like them saying “no” would mean the end of the relationship, then it might be worth doing some reflecting and groundwork on your relationship before approaching the subject. If you’ve tried reflecting and cannot figure it out by yourself, open-minded counselors can be helpful in processing these difficult emotions (I prefer those who say they are LGBTQ+ friendly as they tend to be sexually non-judgemental).